I would like to correct several pieces of misinformation that have been circulating

over social media

in the lunch line

in the public square where the Chaldean grandfathers congregate to discuss their lost lands:

 

The staff is not

as has been reported

abducting cats from the school’s sizeable feral population

nor are they taking these cats to the sagging portable sheds

which all agree are reminiscent of a witch’s hovel

to eat them.

 

The midnight sleuth will certainly not hear wet sucking noises

the plink of small bones spit like pits

nor will these activities be punctuated by the squealing laughter of Boyd Andersson

beloved member of our Math faculty.

 

I confess that the image of that partially decomposed calico being exhumed

from the basement of the English building

as captured by the students of Ms. Gutierrez’s excellent yearbook class

several of which are still at large

does not paint the school in a flattering light.

 

Nothing about this unfortunate breach in the administration’s

normally Stygian operations

provides any incriminating evidence

w/r/t the mysterious culling of this pest population.

 

No

the sad truth is that the school administration is working with the appropriate authorities

to ensure that the little gremlins are removed from the campus in a hasty and humane manner At least

until the next crisis

or budget shortfall

or the Governing Board becomes bored

whatever it is, it will happen soon.

 

Then

we will abandon this Children’s Crusade

the little padfoots will return

the anonymous staff member can continue their clandestine practice

laying out kibble.

 

Joseph Byron Bennett

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